Bizzare thoughts...

Being Alive...

2011-11-28T22:43:00.001-08:00

Feels so strange, feels like an obligation,
Living still, but without any expectation...
Amidst repeated intrusions, targeted defamation,
Without any sense of moral degradation...

Countless instances, routine observations,
Of needless accusations, threats, intimidations...
Burdensome aberrations causing complications,
Leading to painful, tiresome, frustrating endurations...

Long, thoughtful, ipso facto deliberations,
Contemplations, perturbations, agitations...
In my search for love, light or illumination,
I found malice, hatred, purposeful manipulation...

Fear, grief, sorrow, fateful destitutions,
Societal demarcations, decayed ambitions...
Futile preparations for polite conversations,
Lonely thoughts, emotional amputations...

Amidst moderation of colloquial discussions,
I hear careless, emotionless explanations...
Witness fickle behaviour, futile incantations,
In anticipations of genuine admiration...

Prodigal perspiration with dangerous implications,
Reeking of cessation of all creative abstractions...
In the culmination of distorted interpretations,
Grieving mortuaries now approve of coronations...

Encapsulation of all sins and twisted deformations,
Peaceful, pleasant dreams without any provocations...
With thunderous distant incandescent amplifications,
Finally suggesting of positive connotations...

Fate!!!

2011-10-04T12:32:00.001-07:00

Strange as it may seem, life is not the same to everyone,
While some are discarded, some others are coveted one…
Of all the deciding factors, human fate appears the worst,
While few are merrily blessed, some others utterly cursed…

Like flowers, we are all born with different fragrances,
Various purposes we serve with our different appearances…
As some grow in solitude, others are blessed to form a bouquet,
While some appear puerile, few others are intensely crooked…

Of different colors we are, some are white, others yellow,
While some are born wild, many others grow up mellow…
As some wither in darkness, others witness refulgent sunset,
While some decorate the wedding bed, few others mourn the dead…

Unjust it may appear to us and sometimes, despicably very cruel,
This life is never the less only ours to live and only ours to duel…
We just have to selflessly play our role now and ever after,
Knowing that our fate has already been written by the crafter…

Love...revisited...

2011-05-20T08:54:00.000-07:00

Hold me in your arms...never let me go
lemme be close to you as the sea to the shore
I wanna feel your breath and stand on your toe
Feel to kiss you deep like i never did before

Hear my thoughts...look into my eye
The world is so beautiful with you in my life
Can't you see the calm ocean and the clear sky
Your presence is the reason, how can you deny

Have you ever danced in the first drops of shower
And did you ever dream of a love lasting forever
Of beaches and roses and lovely moments spent together
And silent moonlit walks until our time is finally over

How much i wanna share my life with someone just like you
And walk barefoot on green grass covered with sparkling dew
Forgetting the entire world, just wanna think about you
I know, deep with in, life is so meaningless without you

Life is a Game...

2011-05-17T07:19:00.001-07:00

Life is a series of games. There are some games which we play and some which others play. In every game, there is a protagonist, an opposer, a supporter, a silent onlooker, a soothsayer, a host of other related and unrelated people and most importantly, a situation. The analysis of the situation is very important because that determines the actions of most of the participants of the game. Even though most of us would deny the comparison, it is true that at any stage of life, we are participants of many such simultaneous games. Our roles in these games are not necessarily the same but each of these games is influenced by the presence of others.
I shall illustrate whatever I have said in the preceding paragraph by an example. Consider an alcoholic ‘A’. He is our protagonist. The wife and family members of A form the opposers ‘O’. A’s alcoholic friends and people who lend him money to drink form the supporters ‘S’. The people in A’s life who are aware of A’s behavior form the silent onlookers ‘SO’. There are people, who predict to others the future of A as a result of his actions, forming the soothsayers ‘S’. All other individuals who in some way or other have a direct or indirect interaction of any kind with A form the other participants of the game. (more to follow)

For honour...

2011-05-16T07:00:00.000-07:00

With head held high, the savior of a million men,
He anxiously gallops to the bloody battle ground…
Not alone, guarded by the prayers of the women,
He strides forth bravely to the bloody battle ground…
His soldiers skilled in slaying the enemies down,
He knows that victory will definitely be theirs…
The clamor of the soldiers breaks into sudden silence,
As he strides towards the centre of the battle ground…
With eyes filled with disgust at human greed, he looks up,
Vultures hovering in the dirty red cloudless sky…
Following exchange of few words to his counterpart,
He rushes back, signaling his army, to move ahead…
With archers aiming high and swords shining in the air,
Men fell dead in dozens, like packs of cards…
After hours came the signal of end of the day’s war,
Bringing relief for both sides, and respite for the wounded…
And the warriors carried the corpses of their fellowmen,
Informing the next of kin of the deceased lot…
As he spoke to the patriots, the gallant members of the army,
That the war had just begun, and their countrymen need them…
To save the pride of the state, and the honor of their women,
To die the death of brave soldiers than lives of scared fugitives…

Memorable day...Miserable Night

2011-05-16T01:23:00.000-07:00

15th May 2011...the morning was lousy. Since it was a Sunday, I slept till 11 am. Well, not really...my eyes opened at around 9 am...but then out of laziness i lay in the bed staring at the television...watching my favorite channel...Animal Planet. At eleven, it suddenly occurred to me that if i do not take a bath then, i will probably skip it for the day and that might lead to a string of lazy weekdays without a visit to the bathroom. Yes!!! I tend to overdo things...without giving much thought. By noon, i was all dressed in fresh casuals. As i sat on the couch, i picked up my net book and connected to the internet. Now that i realize it, it appears funny that i have become semi-addicted to the social networking site Facebook and yahoo chat rooms. I guess the reason i am addicted is because i am losing interest in the real world or may be because i do not wish to face the grim realities of life...and "semi-addicted" because somewhere in my mind, i want to break free of this behavior of mine. Sharp at 1 pm, i went to the mess, had a fulfilling lunch after which it was Room No. 213 again. Two-three fellow interns had gathered in the room by the time i returned. There was a total hullabaloo and it felt good for a change. Amongst the interns, there were two who were from normal colleges (not the high profile ones!!!). One of these guys was weird and very difficult to adjust with. Even at that time, the guy was talking completely on a different level of understanding than the entire group and was being made fun of for that reason. I, not enjoying the show, put on my earphones and started watching a movie not realizing when i fell asleep. When i woke up, the afternoon T-20 match was in full swing on SetMax. I sat up wondering why Arun did not call. "What to do in the evening?", i wondered. I called up Smita to ask her what she was up to. When she did not pick up, i thought of reading a book which i had bought more than two months ago. As i was glancing through the pages, the phone rang. I picked up the call after five rings. Nervously, i said "hi, whats up with you?". The conversation went on for around five minutes after which we planned to meet after 25 minutes. "What a relief", i thought, "Now i won't have to spend the evening alone". She recognized me from quite a distance, standing on the left side of the furniture shop, the name of which i do not recollect. She was dressed in red and was looking gorgeous. My nervousness increased much more as she approached me. What happened after that was something i never could have dreamed of. It was memorable indeed...those one and a half hours which i spent with her. Strangely enough, i spoke a lot. Being a reserved person, normally i do not. As we parted ways, i had a strange feeling in my heart. Frankly speaking, i do not know how to describe it. But i still wanna give it a shot. I was feeling sad (i will not share why) and happy, at the same time. As i reached my residence, i opened the card once again, the music played and glimpses of whatever happened at the Andheri station played before my eyes. Till date, no one has treated me special like the way she did. Before i met her, i used to be my normal self with her. Now, i have changed. I think i know why. I do not know what is it about my association with female friends that freaks me out. I tend to distance myself from someone who is good to me. I think i am afraid that a female friend would change me and at this juncture of life, i do not want to change for anyone at all. I am stubborn, i know, but i wish things to be that way...simple enough for me to handle, at least to the extent of situations that are in my control. I recall having got into trouble because of my unnecessary association with people of opposite gender in the past. Sure, there is this peak of happiness but that is followed by the trough of sadness. And the more i get close, the more i start expecting due to which it becomes very difficult for me to detach from the association. This puts me in a vulnerable situation and obviously i do not wish that to happen. I have been trying hard to push off this meeting for that very reason because i know people find it very difficult to agree with these thoughts of mine. But then, i know myself more than anyone else. I like my solitude. I enjoy it. I have taken conscious decisions to trust people often and i know those were wrong decisions. Arguably, i know i am not being very rational right now but i believe in avoiding a situation if i can not handle it. I was awake till 4 am today morning with these thoughts. I am still in a fix about what to do. I want to be a good friend with her but i can not because i still feel traumatized by my past. I know my shortcomings and i do not wish all that to interfere with the happiness of others. I have been rude with her for no reason which even she pointed out yesterday. Deep within, i want to start fresh with the same innocence that i carry in one corner of my heart...the way i was five years ago. I want to spend some nice time while in Mumbai because i know this time, once gone, will not return. I want to make her feel special just the way she did to me yesterday. My conscience talks to me right now. It says, "Is that so difficult for you Saurabh? Why do you want to make things difficult? She is a nice person who wants to be a good friend. She is pure in her thoughts just like you were five years ago. Give her one chance. Everyone deserves one. Who knows she might become your best friend. Moreover, stop thinking all these idiotic stuff and start living your life. When will you? You are already 27."

Introspection...Again...

2011-03-02T07:58:00.000-08:00

Yes, it is true. I do try to get high at times. Most of the times i am able to adapt to the situation and it happens automatically. However, i do try to generate the feeling of invincibility artificially through various means. After a careful self-retrospection, probably i now better understand when and why i do so. More importantly, i have even tried to analyse the various ways through which i generate these feelings which boost my confidence and make me want to achieve a temporary high. In doing so, i have even noticed that when i do generate these confidence-boosters for facing life and difficult situations, many times i lose control of them and hence of myself-I understand that that is dangerous but i need to take my chances. This is almost 20 days after i wrote anything at all. Better yet, i do not remember when i last wrote in my diary-most of the thoughts i type and directly post to the site. Last few days have been very trying for me. Not because of any external problems but because i have been feeling this reluctance to learn or do anything new and optional. I have been sleeping and eating irregularly. Are these the after effects of the past painful four years or is it that i have lost control of reality? I do not know. What i do know is that unless i keep myself occupied, i am irritated and at a loss. I wish to do something-to keep myself busy-something that i like doing. Of late,i have been working out like a maniac, exhausting myself physically, shielding myself from the morbid thoughts. Listening to painful music makes me go wild with memories of all unjust atrocities slapped on my face by everyone alike-those near and far (in terms of attachment of course). What i fail to understand always and still confused about is how can people behave the way they do-in terms of the immoral and unethical acts they indulge into. I am talking about irrational acts based on personal faith. Why do people not step into others' shoes and think from their perspective before taking any action. Why is it that the good, simple people always get exploited by them, in the course developing the wrong notion in their heads that they would not be taken to task.
Talking about maturity, it is fast disappearing from the human race. People never act responsibly. People never grow up. What i do not mean by growing up is to become corrupt, mindless idiots doing whatever everyone else is doing. Where has the individuality disappeared? Life is a gift by nature and god to us and should be lived peacefully-making sense out of it-respecting all alike. That is what education is supposed to make out of us. Harshly disappointing, however, is the fact that in today's world, it has just become a means to earn quick bucks. In the course, we are losing touch with reality, becoming passionate, materialistic jerks having no concern for the ultimate aim of harmony, love and a feeling of brotherhood to every other human being alive. Venting out my feelings on paper makes me feel at ease with myself and helps me adapt to that which is going on beyond my control. I know people do not have time these days-everyone is busy doing stuff which does not make any sense( even if it did, they bother not understand if or how it did). It is truly said that ignorance is bliss. But for how long? Unfortunately, for me, the harder i try to adjust or leave behind painful memories, the more restless i feel. I can not sleep at night, remembering all the dreadful things the sick people did to me, in the name of god or personal benefits or for no reason at all. But then i feel quite helpless- i just convince myself that what others do, irrespective of whether or not it affects my life, is not my business. After all, i can not take responsibility for the actions of everyone around me. I did whatever i could do. I tried to talk to them and put rational thoughts in big fat skulls of theirs without any brains but to no avail. People are very biased in their thoughts-everyone believes they are different and only they are. But continuing to live surrounded by these people just makes me feel more vulnerable to sudden emotional outbursts at my loneliness and helplessness in taking control of at least my life. I talk to myself and indulge myself in any sort of activity that do not allow me to think these silly thoughts (unimplementable in today's world). The main problem with me, as i understand, is that i find it difficult to attach or detach from people-even though i fully understand that they are manipulating my thoughts or acts or my very existence by their lesser mortal thoughts or interpretations of situations. I do not like people and i know, they do not like me either. I hate social gatherings and i am at peace with that-not having expectations from anyone at all. I ain't waiting for any miracle to happen in my life but then there is this sadness which has crept into my subconscious mind and this has made me a loner- a deep-thinker. Sometimes i even wonder if i have the right attitude and cynicism to become an expert philosopher. I talk little-prefer my actions to speak on behalf of my words, unlike others. However, i do expect small successes from time to time to keep myself motivated. Success has been far, the ocean has been dry and being a human, there is an inherent dissatisfaction and hence, depression dwelling with in me. All these are negative thoughts-they do subside with little successes, but of late it has not been happening that way. I am not particularly worried about that but rather curious at my disinterest towards any worldly thoughts or activities. The level of detachment is at a peak in my life. I feel at peace when i take long lonely walks in cool breeze or sit up at night an gaze at moonlight and the stars. Even though, i have a family, i do not feel much attached to them either. I despise books telling me what do do in every situation, giving me ideas, thus interfering with my mind and thoughts towards new ways or strategies to cope with situations. I believe in learning through experience and failures-from my own and from others'.More than anything else, there is this notion that i am at an all time high maturity in my life and that people around me yet have to learn a lot to reach my level.

Disregard for all the love and care...

2011-02-06T08:34:00.000-08:00

It was barely two months after we stopped talking that she got married to some idiot. I agree that i said harsh things to her, but only because i wanted her to stop taking me for granted. Ever since i was with her, she had tried to manipulate me according to her wishes and whims, caring least for the slightest level of rationality or my well being. The only thing that mattered to her was her god-that is what she had said to me. She was one hell of a hypocrite, using my love and care for her as my weakness and forcing me to act the way she desired, sometimes in the name of religion, at other times in the name of her responsibility for her family.
As i look back upon the period i was with her, i realise i have sacrificed a lot for a person who deserved to be kicked in her ass in the first place when she proposed me. She used to tell me that she could not imagine a life without me and that she would not bear the thought of being touched by another man. When things had become trying for her due to the opposition from her family's side ( at least that is what she had been telling me), she said that she would rather become a nun or adopt a child but not marry if not with me.
I believed every single word of hers and always treated her like my would-be wife. Needless to say, i fulfilled all her desires and sexual fantasies and after every such act, she used to tell me that she always wanted a virgin for a husband. I suppose she wanted to hint that she is a virgin herself. I seriously doubted that. When within 2 weeks of our first encounter, she had demanded to come to my house and have sex with me without a condom, what all would she have done in her past five year long relationship with the Muslim guy, who she said was not good with her. She often complained to me that i am not adequately sexually active. How could i have been when i never agreed with the idea of sleeping with a woman before marrying her. Call me old fashioned, but that is who i am. She took me by shock when she demanded stuff like oral and 69 from me and since i was not aware of what these positions are and asked her what all this meant, she accused me of trying to embarrass her and cried. When i tried to understand what is wrong, she used to fight with me, say harsh things to me or give me examples of how her mother used to mistreat her father and the poor guy used to adjust to everything without any complains. Needless to say, she expected to take me to task for all her incompetency and inabilities to handle life's situations, be it friends' remarks or boss's bad temper due to her filthy work at office.
The funniest thing about her was that she felt that the more a person loves someone, the costlier gift he/she will give to them. She believed by doing so, all the past misbehaviours should be forgotten and she should be treated special. Anyway, let me get back to the present situation. She had tried to break up with me countless number of times, for absolutely silly reasons ( ridiculous for a person of such high qualification like her) but then every time i used to get back with her after some time by convincing her. This time however, since she was ruining most of my nights fighting with me ( i used to get angry with her for just two things- when she tried to convert me to her religion or when she used to get too cosy with her male friends like staying in their cars till early mornings or letting them stay over at her place or public displays of their friendships) when i should have been studying, i decided to let her be by herself for some time. She was shocked and shouted at me saying i could live without her because i never loved her. However, on 5th January 2011, when i called one of my office friends, i got the news that she has gotten married on 3rd of the same month and she did not invite any of her colleagues even for the reception. How could she? Almost everyone knew we were together for such a long period. She was not guilty but afraid to face the questions of all those people, probably because i had a very good image in the company- at both personal and professional levels. I had spent so many sleepless nights tending and caring for her when she was admitted or sick. Apart from that, i used to spend my nights waiting for her at the terrace of her building just to see her. Even then, she used to be harsh with me, saying bad things to me.
I used to adjust to all that because i had recently lost a family member and since i considered her one, i did not had the courage to lose her too. But, the news of her marriage came as a shock to me. At least, i deserved to be intimated about the marriage decision considering the fact that she has slept with me countless number of times. I wanted good things to happen to her, but i was the best she could have ever had. All her friends could vouch for that. She used to blame me that i was sleeping around with her 'bitch' sister and that her family was sucking blood out of her by living on her income. The fact was her sister liked me and used to call me 'bhaiya'. Being a religious fanatic, she used to tell me she could never adjust to the paintings of lord Krishna in my house and it pained her when i wore the rakhi. So much so for decent behaviour towards a person who had devoted his life to her. As if that was not enough, i used to get messages of being a sick bastard and that i would try to use her snaps in my phone in order to spoil her reputation.
When one of our common colleagues came to know of all this, he told me that she was just using me as a time pass and when i started thinking of future with her, she started finding reasons to get rid of me. I know he is right in saying that, but i have lost faith in love and females after the relation. When i check their pictures on orkut, i shatter to see her all happy and smiling. As can be guessed, she had built the relation on the lie that she is a virgin and there was no one in her life before him. Poor guy. I pity him. Even though i have been spending sleepless nights most days (probably because i loved her unconditionally), she is happy there sleeping in the arms of a complete stranger just because he is also a protestant, knowing the fact that she has ruined the lives and faiths of two great guys just to satisfy her lust. That is miss Diana Sam for you readers.
At times i wonder how could i have fallen in love with such an inconsiderate individual. But then, they say that true love is blind and that it does not demand anything. I have not tried to talk to her even after knowing all that has happened without my knowledge, but deep with in my heart i am wishing bad things will happen to her so that she realises what she missed in life by ditching me. I can not help it. I am human.

Distressed...

2010-12-05T10:21:00.001-08:00

Some days ago, a friend of mine told me to stop writing when i am in pain...and rather i should write when i am happy. At that moment, the idea seemed appealing. However, as i am writing again today, i realise that the only reason i write is because i do not have many people to talk to...to open up to...My life is a mess without any social security or any sense of belongingness...When i think about it, i do not understand why at all i am living...What is the purpose of my life?? I do not write because i enjoy writing...i write only because i feel relaxed after i do so...Writing is like an addiction to me...just like a smoker is addicted to smoking and when he/she does not get to smoke, they go crazy...Similar is my case...When i feel very loney…to the verge of taking some extreme step, i write...These words fill the empty space that is created in my life and in my heart due to absence of love of family members in it...I am tired of trying to be with people...My mind demands loving words or acts from someone...anyone...Everyone has their family members to talk to, to be loved...My dad passed away, my sister is falsely illusioned that i do not care for her, my mother is herself suffering from mental trauma after my dad passed away, my brother is in a state similar to mine...the girl i intended to marry ditched me in the name of god after more than an year long relation...On second thoughts, i would gladly admit that the reason for all troubles in my life is the opposite gender...FEMALES!!! In any form...girlfriend, friend, colleague, sister, mother, grandmother...each one of them has no concern for me or for rational behaviour...To add to all of it, it the crazy work routine here at my college...It is a management college for god's sake...and there is a total absence of management of any kind in here...all work at night...sleep in the morning...one week, there is no work at all...the next day comes the announcement of four exams one after another...projects are not started by group members before the deadline is one day away...I am really feeling freaked out...Unnecessary competition when there is no requirement for it...A person's life has become very cheap...just like the mentality of the society and of the people living in it like slimy worms...infesting this world with their presence...I have gave it a lot of thought just like everyone does (I hope!!!)...There is nothing wrong with me...I am just a normal man...Not many would be able to keep their sanity or be alive if they had to forego all that i did or deal with the hardships of life the way i did...By now, i already feel a total lack of interest towards life...it appears as if nothing that could happen now matters...I was told that this happens after a person has lived his life in totality...seen every phase of life...and that typically this happens somewhere after the age of 45 years...Why do people do not think rationally…why don’t they live peacefully?? What is the need for unnecessary competition or comparison with peers?? How would it matter if i am in a job earning 20 lakh per annum, if I am not happy and if I feel exhausted and think of suicide every fourth day due to the work pressure or inability to give time to my family or manage my relationship?? Are people that stupid?? And why the hell does every girl has to think that if a guy tries to talk to her, he is hitting on her or that he wants to have sexual intercourse with her?? Just speaks of the amount of degradation that has crept into the Indian society…And I am in this dirt…tired, frustrated and clueless…about how to correct the anomaly in the education system…in the way kids are being born and brought up…But the biggest challenge in front of me, is to survive…it is a challenge because there is no desire to!!!!!!!

Madness is all around...

2010-11-04T11:07:00.001-07:00

It is again taking control of me. And I don’t feel like resisting at all. At least when I am in its control, I find more strength and passion to face this otherwise painful life. It is not that I am a born pessimist but the situations I have faced so far have made me quite a negative thinker. Every time this madness crept upon me, I used to try to shove it away. If I found it difficult, I tried to reach out to others who could probably help me. One of my acquaintances recently called me a sympathy-monger. I was shocked at what people can become, forgetting every bit of human values taught since childhood...hurting others. It feels easy to carry on, with ‘it’ by my side-at least I am not alone. It always gave me the strength to move ahead in life, forgetting all bad experiences. It asked me to be more mature and free of any expectations from anyone…anyone at all. All i wanted was to love and to be loved but the frequent betrayals I encountered despite my countless sacrifices for the assholes and bitches has made me realise but one thing-Every man is just for himself in this world. It is indeed Kalyug. Relations fail. Life tries to pull you down in every possible way. But like I always fought my way up, I will do it yet again. However, there is no fun in doing so. I am no longer human. I have no more expectations from anyone or anything. Not even from myself. I am just twenty six. Never imagined all these thoughts would come to me at this age. Never the less, I am who I am. And the sooner I understand and accept this fact, the better it is for me.
I cannot pretend like they do. Smiling faces when you have so much hatred and malice in your hearts. I cannot even adjust. I have been trying too hard. But I have decided not to try any longer. I no longer seek others’ company, at least not of those who stab from behind or of those who are indifferent to whether I am living or dead. I value myself. I cannot see others and decide the path of my life. I am not one from these herds of crazy lunatics, who have no opinions of their own, who are running after materialistic things. I am beginning to see the bigger picture of life, of myself and of this world. I am learning to take it easy now. I no longer consider small incidents in life as failures or victories. I just accept whatever life has to offer me and move on.

My worst nightmare...

2010-10-20T09:02:00.000-07:00

I was fearing it would happen some day. However hard i tried to keep the situation in control, it went out of hand. In fact it was not the external environment that conspired against my well being but the very person whom i was deeply in love with since the past year and a half. I had decided to spend the rest of my life with her inspite of knowing the hardships i will have to face in being with her. But what happened recently shattered my faith...it shattered my very existence.
It all started in 2009 when we met at a coffee shop through a common acquaintance. I felt attracted to her and so did she, but no one confessed. At that time, i did not know she was a protestant. I used to hang around with my friend at the coffee shop in the hope of seeing her again. I did see her on a lot of occassions and she did give me smile everytime. Then, one sunday, when i was in a shift duty at the office, i received a call. No surprises-it was from her. I went to the mall she had called me to and spent some time with her. We started meeting on the terrace of her building and started opening up-we started liking each other. Then one day, she confessed. (Lots of other incidents happened, but i seriously have no patience to write all that stuff)
I reciprocated. This took things to the next level. I tried to support her in every possible way. At that time, i did not know she had an earlier relationship with a muslim guy for over five years. When it became too difficult for her to keep it a secret, she told me...in one sentence. I did not ask any further-Just assured her that past was not going to come between us. She was a party animal. Late night bike and car rides with her so-called male friends was something which took my sleep away. Her proximity to these people whom she had barely met six months ago appeared a bit strange, but what really freaked me out was that many times they stayed over at her place. I was but a normal guy, from a middle class family. I had my reservations...most guys would not have liked this kind of behaviour. Even i did not. We started to have fights where she used to defend her friends and her own action. What was really weird was i was put on an altogether different measuring scale in comparison to her best friends. She had lots of best friends-all single guys, who could not drop her home in between of their nightlife activities, even if she was uncomfortable. I decided to adjust to all this as well. But then came the real big blow. It was really huge. I was asked to convert to christianity if i was to marry her. When i tried to reason out with her, she was ruthless. By hook or crook, she wanted me to become a protestant-she tried to break up with me three times, telling me it is not going to work because for her god was the most important person in her life. Women are rational indeed. I on the other hand, fed up of all this crap and deeply in love with her, decided to get converted. All this time, she was enjoying her life...chilling out with friends till 4 am...many times till 8 am in the morning. Her parents were important to her, but she always lied to them. Even i was important to her and she wanted to be a good wife. This was the reason she told me that i had to convert to her religion. What hypocrisy...Then one day she told me that Bobby had broken up with her and she was raped at an early age, which made it difficult for her to trust me. All this time, i was totally faithful to her...worried about her safety and ready to sacrifice everything for her. I did many things for her none of which she appreciated.
Around a week ago, she broke up with me because she felt i was the reason for all the problems in her life. I could not understand how was that true, but i gave up on her this time. I was too tired to live my life as her pet, taking her tantrums, seeing her do all disrespectful things in front of my eyes...I was too tired to give her reason or even to argue with her. I was too tired of shedding silent tears when i did not do anything wrong. It was then that i let her go. Some people never realise what they lose until they stop having that.
It is truly said...one never gets what one does not deserve, however hard they try.

In the name of love...

2010-07-13T10:49:00.001-07:00

It is really amazing. The kind of situation your loved ones put you into-pressuring you, blackmailing you, hurling abuses of ungratefulness at you and thus forcing you to succumb to their demands. Wake up Saurabh. This is life. How much so ever you love someone, they repay back in exactly the same fashion. How much more has life to offer to me is still a big question. It scares me sometimes to think of how have I endured so much in life. People are selfish. They are afraid to go ahead in life and face the grim reality and use someone else as a shield or as a means to avoid the truth. They never think how it would also pain the other person, the amount which it would pain them. Their conscience never stays with them and they always feel they did the right thing by forcing their pain on someone else. Why am I to face it when the other person is willing to do it for me? Such selfish nature, such inhumane behaviour and to top it all, they say they love me. Amazing, isn’t it?
I am feeling so loved right now. So much that I want to cry out and console my heart that some good is going to come out of it. Even if it doesn’t, I will face it. I have changed myself a lot for others. Let this one be another such change. However, this will be the biggest change. My life is going to take a u-turn and it is because I love you. I am all alone, being put to conditional love test and hey, I passed it. Not because of my good or worthiness, but because I agreed to the other person’s point of view as I love them and don’t want to have a bitter relationship with them. Why am I doing it? I am tired of living my life alone and ready to give up anything for even a drop of love. I want to be loved. I have spent all my life loving and caring others and behaving like an adult, taking all responsibilities on my feeble shoulders. I don’t want to drop dead so early in my life, I am only 26. So, I thought let me try this also. If any good comes out of it, I shall be grateful to god. Did I say god? Do you even exist? If you did, would you be silently watching what happens to a simple person who never did any harm to anyone? Do you really think forcing someone to convert to another religion in your name is correct? Is it justified? How about those people who are doing so? Are they your true disciples? Will you be able to love them like your kids?
More importantly, will I be able to adjust to the new life? Will I be able to live my life after doing something I never believed in? Won’t my conscience keep questioning my existence every second that I live?

Thank You...

2010-05-16T02:23:00.001-07:00

"Thank you for the memories
Of a love that's less than true
for the lessons learned were plenty
and the happy times were few.

And I thank you for your support,
the support you would never give
When I needed you the most,
those times, I can't Forgive

I thank you for your love,
a love that didn't exist,
for all my childhood memories
are those of pounding fists.

And I really want to thank you
For loving only some,
I tried my best to please you,
But love for me was none.

So I thank you with my heart and soul
for but one good lesson learned
That should one day I love someone,
My love they need not earn."

Beyond Separations...

2010-02-16T01:43:00.000-08:00

Silent they stand, staring into each others’ eyes
With a defiance that shatters every word and its meaning
They speak not of the blisters of separation
Or of distances they have endured and survived
On a journey that lasted a bit longer than imagined
Their unflinching gazes, the only light
And their quivering breaths, the only sound
In the austerity of a starless, solitary night…

They do not ask, nor do they seek
For the parched pages they left behind
Where some unfinished strokes still wait
To be born again, to be felt again
The yellowness that has seeped into them
Making their memoirs a little more undecipherable
Is it a silent testament of a conspiracy
Their destinies webbed against few words…

They rather feel content with the soundless echoes
Of togetherness clinging stubbornly to their souls
As she moves her slender fingers through his tousled hair
Easing the creases of ruthless time on his forehead
He also removes some loose streaks of heaven
Falling over and veiling her velvet radiance
With a fragrance of freshly plucked lavenders
Her wrinkles dissolving away at the mere hint of caress
Her lips twitching unevenly in anticipation
Before finally surrendering to a blissful smile…

Few drops trickle down her face, traveling blissfully
Which he captures with a gentle grasp
And mingles them with those of his own
He comes closer, touching the shining starry drops
Then sprinkles them all around in circles
Over the damp ground beneath her feet
From where come gushing glittering showers of ecstasy
Which paints the magnificence of the clear sky
With a splendid luster of their undying love…

United they stand once again, unfazed, unnerved
Undoing every legend that has ever been known
Of what it means to love, even beyond life sometimes
Hands intertwined, heads leaned over against each other
They start ascending on a stairway conjured up
With whirls of blue smoke that vanishes at every step
Leaving behind all realities, laments, ashes
And an immortality in which they lie…lifeless, motionless…

I Care No More...

2010-02-15T08:47:00.000-08:00

Pouring of my despondent soul
Fed hungry flames through storms and winds
Let consummate fire take its toll
For consequences uncared, unknown
A heart of gold used as coal…

Emptiness was all that was gained
With hollow screams that filled the space
While injured pride and insults attained
The insatiable whorl sucked on
And cruel scars of love engrained…

Spiritedness long lost its spark
Misused, abused, it wilted lies
Mirthless extractions of emotions stark
Beyond excessiveness they have crossed
To die a desolate life in dark…

Divine keeper of my inner core
Betrayed I stand, but bear no grudge
With freedom you may choose your course
Excesses have now melt the bonds
Humour yourself-I care no more…

Amazing Grace...

2009-05-30T01:37:00.000-07:00

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I was once lost, but now am found
Was blind, but now I see

It was grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come
This grace has brought me safe thus far
And grace will lead me home

And when we have been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun
We will have no less days to sing god’s praise
Than when we first begun

Unknown

Tere ehsaas mein jiyengey

2009-04-22T11:09:00.000-07:00

Teri aankhon ki palkon ke taley
Har shaam jiyengey
Tu sath ho na ho teri chahat
Ki yaadon mein jiyengey

Chanda bhi tu taara bhi tu
Teri har khwahish mein jiyengey
Phoolon si teri khushbu mein
Bhavron ki tarah jiyengey

Madbhari aankhon mein teri
Har shararat mein jiyengey
Teri aankhon mein din raat
Tere khwabon mein jiyengey

Teri lehraati jhulfon ke sang
Thandi chaoon mein jiyengey
Khamoshi mein har aahat ke
Tere ehsaas mein jiyengey

Love...

2009-02-13T08:05:00.000-08:00

Sparkling lights are all around
Causing blindness in my mind

My heart burns from inside
Causing blisters out of sight

I can remember your pretty face
Your love being my only solace

Baby I am standing right there
Where our last moments we shared

I am holding on to this feeling
I am scared of another beginning

Selfless love is so difficult to find
Emotions do not so easily bind

And all I want to let you know
Is that my love has no remorse

My love does not demand anything
But it is difficult to supress the feeling

When the moon rides up high
I can feel the light of love from the sky

I can feel your radiant love all around me
I believe in darkness your prayers surround me

Introspection...

2008-12-12T08:59:00.000-08:00

“Higher and higher,
The expectations grew…
Such moments are few
Just live them through…”

“You have been a failure,
You have been a pain…
You have brought disgrace,
Filled with disdain…”

“Amidst the chaos,
Shows malice, greed & vice…
Don’t let them take over,
They are but an evil disguise…”

“You have a noble heart,
What if torn apart…
You have given it your best,
What if you failed the test…”

“Together we will face it all,
Me and you…
We will make a new world,
Where dreams come true…”

Perception...

2008-11-26T20:03:00.000-08:00

“Said I loved you but I lied- this is more than love that I feel inside.”
I heard this sentence and was reminded of someone who had deeply touched my life. When alone at night, I hear this song. I can not explain why but somehow listening to it makes me realise a lot of things. I recollect innumerable memories and contemplate how things have turned out for me. More importantly, I try to reason out if they were the right decisions by god.
There are dark sides in everyone’s life- few share them. Few of the majority who do not do so are bound by constraints of responsibilities. The others just do not reason out that sharing helps ease the tension in the mind. I have had a lot of bright sides in my life. Yes, I have gone through difficult times also- there are times when I have felt miserable and for an instant, felt that life is not worth living. But all those times have been the false impressions stimulated by pain-mental and/or physical.

Dilemma...

2008-11-23T06:05:00.000-08:00

I am 24 and I am unmarried. Back when I was 18, I used to think life is difficult. I had my problems then. Now I think life is not all that difficult-there are happy moments and tough ones. Sure, we tend to think that the tough moments are more frequent. I have a peculiar habit though. I always write when situations in life becomes very trying. I believe it helps me to ease off a bit. It occurred to me just now that I can also judge how fair life has been to me by just looking at the number of entries in my diary. The kind of background I come from does not give chances to many to reach my level. I got the chance and I made fair utilization of it. I could have done much better but I had my drawbacks. There is a fair bit of satisfaction and I am trying to coax myself to think I did well enough. Deep within myself, I have realized that life is a gamble and one needs to take their chances to emerge successful and satisfied. No use fretting about failures. But somehow I do not feel ready for the kind of responsibilities that have been thrust upon me at 24. I am trying to do justice to myself and to them, but I do not feel that things have worked fine so far. I just need one gentle push from almighty. I am already putting enough efforts- at least so I believe-so as to make my dreams come true. I broke down yesterday after months-it was difficult for me to manage everything by myself, without any support at all-emotional, moral or otherwise. I missed my father. I was reminded of the way in which he managed everything with ease-or so it seemed to me may be because he never discussed any problems with me-kept everything to himself. He had been a great father, a good son, a fine brother but a poor husband. He was too occupied. Never the less, he did everything that was in his power for our family. Now all of it has come on my shoulders. I just hope I am able to do justice to myself.

Confusion...

2008-11-12T05:09:00.000-08:00

When I close my eyes and visualize,
More often than not I realize…
Wherever we are, however we be,
To be together shall be our destiny…

We have shared everything together,
Your smile is all I care for…
Night after night, day after day,
I treasure our love my own way…

May be you don’t know, may be you don’t care,
May be that’s why I would not share…
What if you don’t understand what’s in my mind,
What if you turn out to be one of that kind…

I want to love and I want to be loved,
I just don’t want to be heard once and shoved…
I love you so much- I am really scared,
What if I tell you everything and get compared…

You seem too much & I am a simple guy,
I wouldn’t even gather the courage to say hi…
And even if I approach, it would be a blunder,
I am sure I would timidly surrender…

Rishta...

2008-11-12T05:07:00.000-08:00

Main aaj bhi mehsoos karta hun,
In hawaon mein teri khushboo…
Sunta hun tere kadmon ki aahat,
Paata hun tujhe khud se roobaroo…

Jhaankta hun un vaadiyon mein,
Jinme saath jhool jaane ko jee karta tha…
Unhi vaadiyon mein jinke jharnon se,
Madhur sangeet kabhi behta tha…

Raatein jo aankhon hi aankhon mein,
Tere sang kat jaati thi kabhi…
Saansein jo yaadon hi yaadon mein teri,
Chalna bhool jaati thi kabhi…

Wo ehsaas kuch alag sa mehsoos hota hai,
Jisme teri yaadon ka ek ansh mila hota hai…
Yaadein yun to bhool jaya karti hain,
In yaadon se lekin ek rishta sanjoya lagta hai…

Expectations Kill Your Self Esteem

2008-09-12T08:58:00.000-07:00

They say time and music are of great healing capacity. I do not believe what people say. After all, whatever they say are opinions. Why the hell am I feeding my mind with the opinions of others, when it can think for itself? I have heard them make countless suggestions to almost anyone and everyone they came across. The funny thing is that such suggestions were not their own, rather they were passed down the generations and on to us, the victims. After all, there is a 50 percent chance that we might actually act upon such a baseless suggestion. This is very common mistake which we realise after we have committed it. What we do not realise, however, is that it is but human to commit it because human mind gets corrupted by a bug called ‘emotion’ which causes it to almost allow any thought to seem appealing.
The greatest healing capacity, I feel is to control one’s mind and stop it from grazing into the garden of feelings. It might appear externally that feelings relieve us of the pain, but the fact is that they worsen it. Why say that time has a healing capacity when the bottom line is that all time does it erase the thoughts which caused the pain. The same can be done focussing the mind to think that the pain is not pain but bliss. After all, the root of all pain and misery are feelings or expectations. Leave the expectations alone and the pain will leave you.

The life of Stella

2008-03-09T11:41:00.000-07:00

It happens very rarely. When it happens, Stella feels scared. She searches frantically for some relief. Today again it has happened. She says it is not easy to explain. Still she tried explaining it to me. It did not make sense, whatever she told me. Yet, I was confident she was not lying. There was fear in her eyes and I could see it plain and clear. Something was troubling her.
There are situations which a normal person can not handle alone. Stella was, however, not a normal person. She needed help. In the past few days, she had grown a lot low in confidence. It was as if something was draining all energy out of her body. I had full empathy with her. I wanted to help her. Lots of confusion and no one to understand her- that was her situation. She loved Sam. She really did. What broke Stella even more was the fact that he was not with her when she really needed him. She had given him all that she could, caring about nothing. And now she was all alone. She had weird nightmares. I suggested her to visit a doctor. There was however, a lot of opposition from her side. It happens like that only. Human mind refuses to believe it is at fault.
Stella called me again. She was breathing very fast, her voice was shriveled and she was speaking words that made no sense. I hung up the phone and rushed to her place. Fortunately I had a spare key of her apartment. I rushed straight inside. All her clothes were scattered on the floor. The medicines and books on the table were in a mess. She was lying on the floor and babbling loud. I walked up to her, sat by her side and gently touched her shoulder for reassuring her that I was there for her and she need not be afraid. She slapped me hard and then hugged me vehemently. I gave her a sedative. She gladly took it. Soon, she lay asleep in my arms and I could feel the innocence on her face. I was the only one she had confided in. But then it was only I who tried to understand her. I felt like she considered me as her best friend.
I felt sorry for her. She was trying to feed on her past. It was very difficult for her to let go of the good time she had with her husband. Sam was her world. Never did she imagine a life without Sam. This was the reason of the countless number of time she had tried to end her life, without any success. With Sam gone, she felt there was nothing left in her life. I tried to put sense into her mind by making her remember that she had two beautiful daughters and that she had to live for them. I tried to spend as much time with them as possible. It’s not easy for Ruby and Grizelle.
I woke out of these thoughts when I heard Stella calling out my name. She had woken. I did not realize it was almost 7 hours since she was asleep. The kids were thankfully at her mother’s place. She was holding her forehead as if she had been badly hit there. Her hair was a mess. “Why did God have to do all this to me?” she uttered still looking out of the only window in her bedroom. Tears trickled down her cheeks and she buried her face deep in her palms, crying. On the right side wall hung a picture of Sam and her on their honeymoon. I could not believe that she was the same person. Sometimes life is very hard, I thought. But more than that, it was her reluctance to forget her past which had made her life miserable. Love is painful. It takes a lot of maturity to understand another being’s feelings and respond accordingly.
“Nickkkkkk, are you listening to me? “
“Yes, I am. It is only that I did not know how to respond. I have gone through a similar stage in my life and I understand it is easier said than done to move on after losing your loved one. But if you are a responsible mom you have to control yourself. Would Sam be happy to see you in this condition? What about Ruby and Grizelle? What do you suppose they are going to do if they see their mother crying day and night? “
She was staring into my eyes as I said all this. I looked into her deep blue eyes in which I once saw the whole world, my world. Even though she plainly refused my proposal to be my life partner almost 3 years ago, I still loved her. First love can never be forgotten. May be that was the reason I was still by her side as her best friend. I first met her on a highway when her car had broken down. As I stopped beside her, she eyed me with suspicion but got into the car anyway. It was through me that she came in touch with Sam. Sam was no doubt a wonderful person and when Stella told me she was in love with him, I walked out of their way. Although I did that, deep within my heart, I still had feelings for Stella. I never tried to forget her, although I never expressed myself in front of her. I wrote down every thing I had to say to Stella. Whether I was sad or excited, I told her about it. When she got married, even though we lived in the same city, I never tried to meet her. My love did not feel the need of physical touch to ascertain her presence in my life.
I was distracted from my thoughts when the telephone started ringing. I picked up the call and held the receiver to Stella.
“It’s your mother. She is worried about you since you did not answer her call since yesterday. “
“ Hello? I am fine mother. Please do not worry about me. Take care of dad and your grand-daughters. Yes……..Yes, I will do it…..its ok mom….Your daughter is a strong person……ok….fine….what else? Ok….ok mom….Now I am hanging up. I have to finish some work. Talk to you later.”
After she was finished with the call, I ordered some food for her. She looked so fragile.
“Please go freshen. I will wait here. Then we will go out somewhere. It would do you no good if you keep remembering your past. Your past is playing havoc with your present. Try to live in the present. Now go…hurry” Saying this I gave her the biggest smile I could manage. As ever, there was no reply. She just walked towards the bathroom with a towel.
I played some soft music and lay there on the couch. I had exhausted myself. So I decided to take an off for the day. I decided I shall spend the entire day with Stella. As reading was my favorite pastime, I picked up a magazine lying on the table and started reading it. It was ‘ The Gizmo Galore’. There was plenty of new machinery in the market these days.
I did not realize how time flew by but after a while Stella emerged all dressed in white. She was a beauty, not only in physical appearance, she had a golden heart. She cared for everyone alike. But the best thing about her was the innocence with which she countered any arguments or handled any situation.
“You look like a princess.”
“Well….Thanks.” saying this she smiled. It had been weeks since I saw a smile on her face. I drove straight to ‘The Royal Cuisine’. It was the nearest and food quality was the best in the entire area. As we entered the restaurant, a family had just finished their food and was walking out. Stella was looking at the kids. I guessed she was thinking of Ruby and Grizelle.
“They will be fine. You talked with your mother just a while ago, didn’t you?”
“Yes.”
“Nick, I want to meet my daughters. Now. Please take me to them.”
“I will, but look at your condition. Don’t you think it is a good idea to eat something and then go to meet them? We can also get some parcel for them.
She walked straight ahead and sat on an empty table, looking at the menu. After a while, she put down the menu card, looked at me and said, “Just order something”

After about half an hour we were driving to her mother’s place. There was no expression on her face. The phase of life she has been going through for the last four moths was the hardest on her. I was trying hard to understand her so that I could give her some moral support. Outwardly it appeared she did not need any. To her anyone being nice to her was merely having a feeling of pity on her because of all the unfortunate occurrences in her life. It only attracts sympathy- the death of a family member. And sympathy does not bring the dead back to life. But I was not sympathizing with her. I was trying to stand with her during her bad time. Of course I was doing it out of selfishness- she meant a lot to me, yesterday, today……everyday.

We reached the place earlier than I anticipated. Out in the garden, her children were playing with the sprinkler hose. After all, they weren’t really aware of the hardships their mother had gone through ever since Sam died. Her parents were not nearby. They were probably inside the house. Ruby was the first one to see us. “Mommy mommy….Grizelle, look mommy has come. We don’t want to stay here mommy. Please take us with you.” Ruby came running and hugged her mother tight. Stella took her in her lap and placed a quick kiss on her rosy cheek. Ruby had turned six one month ago. Sam had gifted her the latest Barbie doll collection. Stella could not control her emotions at that instant. Slowly she got up and entered the house through the open gate. I silently followed her. She walked straight to the kitchen and yelled, “Mom, where are you. Look, I have come to meet you.”
Mrs. Brown emerged out from behind a closet and was all smiles on seeing her daughter.
“Where is dad?” enquired Stella.
“He has gone out to fetch the table fan. I had given it for repair two days ago. You know how your dad likes to sit in the balcony and how he can not handle the outside heat.”
“Yes, I do. What are you cooking for dinner? It’s been a while since I tasted food made by you.”

********some portion missing-to be updated********

It was late by the time I dropped Stella to her house.
“Do take care. In case you need any help or you need to talk, feel free to contact me at any hour…I think its time you go to bed….And hey, there is good news for you. American Express needs a journalist. You might as well apply for the same. With a woman of your capability, I am sure you have a good chance of grabbing the post.”
“That’s very nice of you. I will surely apply for the post. Good Night Nick.”
While I was driving back to my place, I had a strange mix of feelings. I was feeling joy and sadness at the same time. Joy, because I had spent the entire day with Stella and sadness, because she was going through emotional crisis. Truly, one person’s gain is another person’s loss. In this case, probably Stella’s loss was my gain. How badly I wished that would not be the case. I just wanted to see her happy. As I was engrossed in these thoughts, I did not realize there was a car speeding in the opposite direction and luckily, I missed a bad crash.

I was blank for a few moments. Completely blank.
God, I could have been dead, I thought. And that too, just because of a little mistake. I don’t see any reason why god doesn’t give second chances for such small mistakes. How could I have been so careless? Who else does Stella has to reply upon, once I was gone? As it is, her condition was not good. A sense of guilt gripped me and I felt miserable. It has ever been a problem for me- inability to forgive myself. With trembling hands, I put on the reverse gear, checked in the rearview mirror and gently pressed the accelerator. May be I was being over-cautious. But then I had to. I had a great deal of responsibilities on my mind. The rest of the journey back home was uneventful. I decided to keep the little secret to myself.

I couldn’t sleep the entire night because of the incident. Early next morning, as I was reading the newspaper, something caught my eye. One of my closest friends was charged with the murder of Stacy Brown. Stacy was the heartthrob of millions-more importantly; she was the leading star in Benn Hoper’s next movie. Michael Shirley and I have been close pals since kindergarten. We have known each other inside out for a long time- I still remember the time when he used to pick up a fight with almost anyone for my sake. But more than that, I remember the times when I have cried out my soul to him-Times when I felt totally helpless, when my eyes were all wet with tears and I could not find a reason good enough to be alive. Michael gave me support in all the circumstances and then all of a sudden, he vanished- no message, no phone call….nothing. And now we meet, when he is charged with the murder of Stacy. In a hurry, I picked up my car and rushed to the police station where he was in custody for the alleged murder. There was a lot of commotion outside the main gate and every reporter was scrambling to get a photograph of Michael. With great difficulty, using my sources, I could get inside through the back gate and was brought straight to the Officer-In-charge of the station.
“Remember, only ten minutes. Mind You, I am allowing it because of your favors on me and this is strictly off the records.”
“Yes dear. Thanks a ton.”

One of the officers opened the lock for me to get inside the cell. I walked up to Michael but he wasn’t looking at me at all. The agony of being treated like a social outcaste was too much even for him to take.
“Where have you been all these days? I know you have not done it. My friend can not be a cold-blooded murderer. Tell me the truth. Unless you tell me the story, I can not help you”
“I did not do it on purpose. It was an accident. I will tell you everything. Actually I was in love with Marianne. Unlike you, I was not from a well-to-do family…."

********To be continued********

The Genius Insanity Connection

2007-10-05T00:26:00.000-07:00

There is a very fine line between genius and insanity. Often there is a merge between the two. Everybody has their perception. Depending on the perception, a person is either a genius who is slightly insane or an insane who sometimes acts like a genius. What then is in your and my hands? You can not always be a genius just because you strive for it. In fact, in most of the cases, you will end up insane even though you did not strive for insanity. Better still, who do you think would strive for insanity? A lunatic, of course. And why? Because it is already achieved by him. So, an insane person is not that insane after all. He sets achievable goals for himself. On the other hand, there are more chances that a perfectly sane person may strive for genius. Why? Because of the merits associated with genius; money and fame being the prime among them.
Important to note in this context is that a sane person sets higher standards for himself than an insane. This might be because he has more expectations from his abilities. However, if we scan the past, we find that almost all geniuses did not strive very hard for achieving something formidable. They were just trying to ward off the feelings and/or outcomes associated with distinction. Or rather should I say rejection? Rejection because they were not one amongst the normal. They thought differently and masses do not tolerate vibrant thoughts. Thus, were born the rebels who were characteristically called as lunatics.
In order to shun the feelings associated with rejection, such geniuses got more and more involved in their work. A true genius would never bother about what the world thought about his ideas or rather him.
However, there is a missing thought. We are all human and humans have their needs. Some of the needs can be suppressed. Not all. Love and emotional support is a must for any rebel, even if other needs are not fulfilled. In the beginning, any different idea would appear silly even to them. But once they convince themselves of the genuineness of the idea, there is always a need to prove it in front of someone else. That someone could be anybody but they themselves. Only then the faith grows. And so does the insanity.

My dilemma...

2007-09-27T02:30:00.000-07:00

Life is difficult. And the people one comes across are even more difficult. The expectations are higher. Not everybody is like me. I stare speechlessly at what people can become if someone even approaches their personal space. The same does not hold well if my own personal space is encroached upon by that very person. Actually speaking, I do not even have a personal space. I am a simple person and I do not have any secrets hidden away from anybody. When people make fun of me, I feel bad. I could never understand sadistic attitude.
To be truthful to myself, I tried a lot to be like them but I could never. I never wished to criticize any person and neither did I ever try to hurt another person’s sentiments. At times, human nature is too confusing. I believe that is the reason I always stayed away from relations of any kind whatsoever. My heart sinks when someone just passes out comments on me that I do not deserve, but being a reserved kind of a person, I rarely counter them. I try to be good to everyone, but for how long can I present a plain face to such sadists. When you treat someone in a particular way, you should be ready to face the same treatment, especially if the other person does not deserve that treatment. People feel good if they impose their whims and wishes on others. Why do not they think once that the person in front may not like that.
Anger, fear, rejection and pain are actually outcomes of some unacceptable incident in one’s life. That such feelings are more pronounced in certain people is another thing. Deep within, there is hatred in every individual for every other individual. But is that feeling of hatred justified? I guess not, unless you have a potent reason.
I have been brought up like that- I do not like to argue or brag. But then everybody has a different perception. My perception is that since I frequently end up in arguments with people, I should stay away from them and not try to get too friendly with them. After all, what is the use of being in a company where you are constantly ridiculed or made fun of, when you know at heart that you do not fit in with such people?

I Choose not to be....

2007-09-27T02:29:00.000-07:00

They say one should not think much. Well, but then that is what I do whenever I get time. I think the weirdest of thoughts. That’s me. At times I ponder about ideas which have been lingering in my mind for quite some time. I try a lot not to let them manipulate me, but often I end up being extremely restless. Tell me something I am scared of. Of course, that would be me. Rest all I have been through and been successful. It is only me that I find difficult to handle. It sometimes is like a constant internal struggle. I feel joy and pain at the same time. More importantly, I feel confused at the end of it. I ask myself whether I need to face all this. NO. But it’s your choice at the end of the day and you chose all this. How very true. It is always the individual responsible for anything and everything that he faces or goes through. Come to think of it, I know I should stay at peace with myself, but I choose not to be.

I Wish.....

2007-07-15T00:51:00.001-07:00

When all the stars disappear,
And the sky becomes blue and clear,
I wish to see the morning dew,
And feel the freshness and warmth so true…

When wild breeze chases your hair,
Slowly and silently I wish I could stare,
The delightful memory I wish to hold,
And feel the innocence of a smile so bold…

When imaginations play their part,
I see the world within my heart,
With every touch surfaces a different feeling,
And strangely provide a miraculous healing…

Untitled2

2007-06-25T02:37:00.000-07:00

"Night after night, sleep eludes me,
And the fear of staying alone haunts me…
My heart often plays tricks with my innocent mind,
Unconsciously, often it makes me miserably blind…

Yesterday was another such fateful day,
When I could not judge the proper way…
I wanted to release all the pain and agony,
It’s been long living a life so phony…

As I stood facing the vastness of the sea,
I listened to its long suppressed silent plea…
I lay there with the rain beating on my face,
Why it is that life is often made such a mad race…

Hours passed by, thoughts ran into my conscience,
Left me more confused, left me without patience…
I screamed and shouted and swore at the heavens,
God, Save me from the agony of selfish relations…

I tried to remember any sweet loving memory,
The love once everlasting now seemed temporary…
I must learn how to deal my emotional adversaries,
No relations, no pain and no haunting memories…"

Untitled1

2007-06-25T02:35:00.000-07:00

"Sharmayee si aankhon mein intezar kiska hai,
Dil mein ye jo panap raha woh pyar kiska hai….
Silvatein chehre pe, yeh shikan kyun hai aakhir,
Aankhon mein jo nami hai,kya sirf meri khatir??"

You...

2007-05-08T07:16:00.000-07:00

When emptiness haunts me endlessly,
I search helplessly…
To find someone I could rely upon,
And call my own…

It’s been difficult carrying on without you,
When I know the thing I most want is you…
When I know that every morning I miss you,
And when I know that you know it as well…

There have been innumerable instances,
Of your subtle appearances…
But when I really needed your presence,
You weren’t there….

My sole precious possession is but you,
And you are the one who robbed me of it…
Nevertheless, I know you are the one,
Who adds meaning to my life…

Confusion!!!

2007-05-03T10:45:00.000-07:00

I do not know what happiness is. She ditched me long ago like all the people I cared for. I say that I feel nothing which is a white lie. I am like that silent branch of a tree which is always longing to be touched by a wild breeze. Sometimes I wish if I had some extraordinary power with which I could change the attitude or behavior of those around me. I can only wish. And in my case, wishes seldom come true. Candidly speaking, I do not know what is in store for me. I am not enjoying my life and neither am I able to live up to the expectations of my parents. In fact I am not able to live up to my own expectations. Five out of seven days in a week, I spend my life in utter disgust at the way things keep happening and my inability to change them. I can not complain. Even if I could, to whom would I? Is there anybody who would care to listen? Who would have that much of time when life is busier than ever?
I have only one companion- ME. That is the beginning as well as the end of my world. I realized I must love myself because others would not. At least not the way I would expect them to. My expectations have always been high; the only difference in the past and present is that I am not able to meet them now. I am tired of trying to console my heart, which keeps breaking every now and then. But then, that is the way I am and I must learn to accept myself.
I feel my life has come to a standstill and I can not meet the requirements for adapting to any change whatsoever. Therefore, I do not want to change any part of myself. I also do not want to try anything different- I have tried enough. I am tired of trying to present a smiling face to the world when deep inside I feel like a scared fugitive. The funny part is I do not know what am I trying to escape-I am just running; probably I wish to get as far as possible, away from the materialistic aspects, away from the hypocrisy of the worldly humans.
Positive things if they have to happen should happen now for I have lost all trust, all hope and all purpose. I am searching for one, am I not? But where should I begin searching? Or should I quit searching? I give myself spurts of reassurances to keep my life going and speak to my devastated mind that everything is going to be fine and that like any other bad experience, even this is going to pass. Deep within, however, I feel that even those reassurances are futile.
I want to write a lot of stuff so that I can feel more comfortable and relieved of the burden I am carrying but I know I can not. Writing could be a temporary solution but it can never be a permanent one. Sometimes even the temporary aspect does not seem to work. It feels like I am locked in a dungeon with no means to survive-nothing at all. I can not breathe, eat or sleep. I can not even cry-I so much want to. I am short of words right now. My emotions are guiding my words and there are so many emotions being hurled towards my heart, that I am unable to accommodate all of them in my words.

29 04 07my thoughts

2007-05-03T10:43:00.000-07:00

Life is beautiful. There are plenty of things that I can feel good about. All I need to remove from my life is needless intervention of others. I do not need the advice of guys. Still I do not understand why people keep giving them to others. May be it is because most believe that they understand people and situations better than others. I am not denying that but I strongly believe that it is the other way round. One question that I frequently ask myself is why I am unable to adjust with almost everyone around me. The immediate idea that pops up in my mind is do I need to. May be I do not. People generally do not adjust. But they are able to survive anyway. May be they take the criticism in a positive way. Even I try but mostly I am unable to do so. I do not like the tone of certain people and neither do I like their attitude and haughty behavior. A few of them feel proud of what they know or how they are handling the situations. Somehow I never could feel that way even though I had achieved a lot more in my past. I am a modest person. But I do not like when I have to live my life on the terms and conditions of others. And corporate world is all about that. In fact the compromises that have to be made should never be forced but the idea of them should arise from within. I am a mature person. I do understand things. However, sometimes I am emotionally amateurish. In all other matters I am an extremely sound person. At least so I believe.

Blah blah

2007-05-03T10:42:00.000-07:00

Was I dreaming? Even if I was dreaming, I would not want the dream to end. It was a beautiful dream. The beauty of the dream was all because of her presence. She had long cascading hair flowing right through my mind. Her eyes were like small gemstones-sparkling a shine which left a trace on my heart the first time I saw her. I admired her simplicity. I admired her in every possible way. She had somehow made me feel different from others. If this was my state of mind at that stage, imagine what would happen if she talked with me.
I mustered up all those traces of courage that had shown up on various occasions in my past and walked up to her. She was surrounded by men-around 20 of them. “Attention everybody! This is a great honor for me to be present here at the inauguration of our new office. I welcome one and all.”
Half the battle won, the critical half remaining, I thought. At least I have got her attention. I walked down the steps, two of them, and headed straight towards the blonde.
“Hello”, I held out my hand to her.
“Err...Hello.” She was a bit hesitant.
“I am Peter. You seem new over here. May I help you?”
“Yes, I am Stacy. Do you wish to take a stroll?”
I smiled and nodded. As we moved out into the garden attached with the hall, I happened to see her finger. A ring- Just my luck.
“So Stacy, how come you are here”, I tried to start a conversation with her.
“I am Mr. Abraham’s daughter. Naturally I had to attend this party.” She sighed.
“Mr. Abraham Gray? Chairman of Pseudochemicals Co? You are Chairman’s daughter?” I almost shouted.
“If you think you would not be able to give me your company any longer, I understand Peter. You can take me back to that boring party and never try to talk again with me.” There was something in her voice which attracted my attention. It was as if she spoke just the opposite of what she wanted to.
That was my first meeting with her. It’s been a long time since then. She is my girlfriend now for over 3 years.

23 April 2007

2007-04-22T21:28:00.000-07:00

I write to ease my pain, to keep myself busy and occupied & to erase the need of a companion from my life. From the point of view of an outsider (one who is completely new in my life), I might be a young, confident, dynamic and independent guy. Needless to say, appearances are deceptive. Deep within, I am as scared as a cornered mouse. I am scared of relationships, of responsibilities, of work and of living. Why am I scared of life? I was not always like this. There was a time when I was a cheerful, ambitious young lad who was liked and admired by almost everybody. But that was a long time ago and I believe people should not live in their past. The truth lies in the present and what could I do in the future. Can I make my life more enjoyable and meaningful? NO, I can not. That is the truth. My life has come to a stagnation state from where I hope to get nowhere. I feel like I have had my fill of the cup of life’s opportunities. Is it that I have developed a low self-esteem? May be I would say that I have lost interest in the worldly issues. I am ready to move on to the higher stage of life.
It is not about being depressed or losing one’s self-esteem. Rather it is about a central idea around which one shapes his life. If things do not work out, people try something different. I did the same and I am doing the same. Instead of trying to achieve all that I desire, can I not reassess whether the achievements that I crave for are actually required or not. I am doing the same. I am learning to be content with whatever I have. We often want more than we can accommodate in our tiny span of a life because of which we are not able even to peacefully live those few years which we have. I am learning to let go. And it feels good. I want to free my mind of all the unnecessary tensions that I have created and have been carrying all my life. I want to feel free as a bird and soar high in the sky. It is that feeling which can not be matched by any other- The feeling of satisfaction, contentment and of indifference towards all.
I am a divine creation of the almighty. My life has a reason. What that reason is I have been trying to figure out all my life. Unless I find a satisfactory answer to my query, how can I proceed further in my life?

19th April 2007

2007-04-22T21:27:00.000-07:00

This morning when I woke up and moved out of my bed, I had a feeling of immense joy. I loitered around in the fresh air for a while and had a feeling of immense relaxation. The fresh air carried along a message of peace, happiness and satisfaction. I looked here and there. Trees all around, chirping birds, clear sky- what else could a person desire early in the morning. In fact only after we get busy in our daily chores, we realize that other things are needed. Our needs and desires keep growing with every passing second of the day. At night, when I lie on my bed, tired after entire day’s work, I dream in a condition best described as “half awake-half asleep”. And guess what I dream. About my unfulfilled desires, which I feel should have been fulfilled because in my own world I feel that they are perfectly justified. This happens with most of us. Doesn’t it?
A well-thought and well-justified idea is always welcome. In today’s world, people are respected on the basis of their “usability”. Sounds funny but it is true. The more you are useful to a person, the more you get respected. This makes it highly imperative for you to hone your technical skills so that you can establish yourself as a sound personality and grow in the organization you work for. It would also mean that one should not house expectations early on. Often people talk of inter-personal skills. These are nothing but the ability to extract something useful out of a “useable” colleague.
Maybe I diverted from the original matter. So where were we? Yes, we were talking about justified desires. Self-Introspection often seems to be a sure way of distinguishing justified desires from unjustified ones. Now comes the question of self-esteem. A person with a high self-esteem would feel that everything he/she desires is justified and he/she should get it. Good for the individual. But what about the organization he/she works in or the society he/she lives in. Is it equally good for them too? At the same time, a person with a low self-esteem might feel that he/she doesn’t deserve anything at all. Not good for the individual at all. I think I made my point.
Importantly, what could anybody desire? A child might desire chocolates and toys. A teenager might desire friends or love or money. It is important to understand that desire should not at all be confused with need. It is always something more than basic requirement.

12th April 2007

2007-04-22T21:25:00.000-07:00

I can not describe this feeling even if I tried. Sometimes we come across situations where we wish to do something but we are not able to. That which we are not able to do becomes something which we always wanted more than anything else even if it was not all that important earlier. The only idea is that it is human tendency to run after things difficult to achieve. That which is a genuine requirement but is easily achieved loses its significance. Most of us talk about a simple life full of satisfaction. But I am pretty sure more than half of us do not know what is it which if we achieve would give us satisfaction. The word ‘satisfaction’ is trivial at a superficial thought yet the entire humanity is shaped by its presence or absence. People become great achievers only after they have known how it feels like to be rejected, to be looked down upon by the successful, to be at a disadvantage when compared to others, to have lived through harrowing experiences where their very existence is questioned by everybody around them. In short, success has its own cost. A person who has not failed once in his life will never be as successful as one who has lived through failures. The prime reason is he will never be able to adapt to the changing situations and in today’s world, change is the name of the game. Curious though, a good query is why the thought of success or failure comes into a person’s mind. A suggested idea is because life would become dull and meaningless if the aspirations to achieve and be the best are missing from life. All of us have this idea but only some take it to extreme levels. These people, though great achievers in the eyes of the common public often have emotional troubles. They have not known once in their lives what it feels like to be loved and cared by the dear ones. All they have known is loneliness and successful achievements. Did I say successful? Pardon me, for the achievers might themselves not agree with this. The trick lies in striking a balance between personal and professional life. A lot of thinking has to be done & a lot of time and thought has to be given to oneself.

An evening by the sea...

2007-03-27T23:45:00.000-07:00

“She closed her eyes and listened with rapt attention,
Listened to the crazy winds whispering crazy words…
A glimpse of satisfaction was inherent in the narration,
A world of blissfulness uncommon except in dreams…

She walked along with them towards the fading light,
Slowly but deftly they carried her until the fall of night…
They kissed her rosy cheeks, they played with her locks,
And shared their experiences of evenings by the sea-rocks…”

Deprived Of Love...

2007-03-27T04:42:00.000-07:00

She was smiling right in front of me,
And I could not move my eyes off her…
She must surely be an angel, I had thought,
Or maybe it was another of my dreams…

In the distance I could hear laughter,
Everything was so unclear and hazy…
Maybe it was the wine that I gulped,
Sometimes I am desperate to forget…

I wept, silently, so that no-one hears,
Then I wiped her memories off my cheeks…
The fragrance was typical of its kind,
Maybe it was the smoke from the cigar…

Life is difficult to understand sometimes,
Nevertheless I am alive and breathing…
The dream which was once a reality,
Still runs through my imaginations…

I am not insane, neither am I a lunatic,
I am just another man deprived of love…

Bahut Sambhal ke rakha hai...

2007-02-27T04:04:00.001-08:00

Bahut sambhal ke rakha hai,
Har gum ke fasane ko...
Teri har muskurahat ko,
Tere har bahane ko...

Teri chahat se roobaroo,
Dhalti shaam ki tanhaiyon ko...
Tere deedar ko tarasti,
Pyasi nazron mein parchaiyon ko...

Bahut sambhal ke rakha hai,
Teri har nazakat ko...
Tere reshmi zulfon ki,
Chaoon mein teri ghabraahat ko...

Bahut sambhal ke rakha hai,
Bahut sambhal ke rakha hai...

Mujhe jeena hai...

2007-02-21T02:22:00.001-08:00

"Kuch rang-birangey phoolon si,
Kuch chanchal keet patangon si…
Is dil ki chaardeewari mein,
Kabhi ruk ruk ke woh uth ti hai…

Kuch bandhi hui kuch simti si,
Kuch tadapti aur sisakti si…
Is dil ki chaardeewari mein,
Kabhi roti aur bilakhti hai…

Main bahut use samjhata hun,
Duniya ke rang dikhata hun…
Yeh tadap bahut hi choti hai,
Aur tanhai pal bhar ki hai…

Woh muskaati fir dheeme se,
Mera haath pakadke kehti hai…
Aazad karo mujhe jeena hai,
Pyar karo mujhe jeena hai…"

It's never gonna be goodbye...

2007-02-16T23:00:00.000-08:00

I do not know how many days and nights are over,
The windows are closed and curtains are lowered,
I do not know how many, but it has been a while,
Since I saw your pretty face with that everlasting smile,
A smile that completely changed my fate,
I am still on a highway but now forever to wait,
Once you have come across and you passed by,
You should know- it is never gonna be goodbye.

And you know I used to speak to you in riddle,
Because my some words were never there in the middle,
Those were the words which might be able to explain my pain,
But darkness fell and I do not know when it will rain,
And I only care about you not the changing season,
All those gripping memories are still the reason,
A sure reason for me to shy and always to lie,
The only truth being it is never gonna be goodbye.

And do you remember the moon away from all the coasts,
When rushing waves and the pale light were our gentle hosts,
When you were sailing your wish and i was sailing mine,
And we were hoping to get everything better and fine,
Alas we were depending on the current to lead us,
But it all just got worse and was able to break us,
May be there was no wind, may be the ocean was dry,
I do not deny all that but it is never gonna be goodbye.

And I am still standing-standing where u had left me,
Flowers all around me, but the fragrance could be,
May be it is all due to the poison in the breeze,
I am beginning to feel the blood in my veins would freeze,
Land is getting harder and sky is getting unclear,
And all the singing birds are sure gonna disappear,
Now the sun like me can not do anything but cry,
He too knows for me it is never gonna be goodbye.

And I still can not believe that you left me all alone,
But I am yet waiting for you like a stone,
Yes, a stone that can never float but can only sink,
For once, I just want you to close your eyes and think,
Think about the ocean, the sun and it’s fading flame,
Without you the life I would live will never be the same,
Yet I am living and gonna live till I finally die,
But even after that I do not think it’s gonna be goodbye

My Best Friend...

2007-01-29T22:43:00.000-08:00

“Words can not really describe,
What I feel for you…
I wanna make you feel special,
So this one is just for you…

A cool gal, a nice friend,
Who follows the latest trend…
Smart and elegant is her talk,
Alters my thoughts, makes me balk…

You are cute and charming,
That’s why you are everybody’s darling…
Your face radiates innocence,
No wonder people note your presence…

Lots love and loads of happiness,
That’s all I can pray for you…
May you always be successful,
And may my best friend be always you…”

Once in a while...

2007-01-20T01:54:00.000-08:00

Here and there, almost everywhere,
Grief is lone and Happiness shared…
Her love is blind, indeed hard to find,
Scattered feelings still manage to bind…

Those silent poignant dreams,
Separated by desirous wishful screams…
Often disclose her gratitude,
Towards life, they show her attitude…

She rummages for feelings still live,
To get her life moving she must strive…
Mawkishness grabs her once again,
And she begs for his love in utter pain…

She knows not why she feels that way,
And she is unable to shun the feeling away…
She tries hard to be someone she is not,
But the warmth of her sighs gives her away…

Every once in a while she kisses him,
Without his knowledge, she misses him…
She remembers the nights spent together,
And the moon, which always grew farther…

But she no longer demands his attention,
For she feels her love is purely divine…
Yet she remembers her love, yeah she does,
And this happens every once in a while…

Kaise

2006-12-27T04:47:00.001-08:00

"Pal bhar mein duniya bas jaye,
Aur pal mein kho jayein khushiyan…
Yeh hai paribhasha jeevan ki,
Is se inkar karein kaise…
Har pal se pyar karein kaise,
Is dil pe vaar karein kaise…

Ek pal mein khil jayein kaliyan,
Aur pal mein murjha bhi jaayein…
Aisey tanha lamhon ka,
Gin gin intezaar karein kaise…
Har pal se pyar karein kaise,
Is dil pe vaar karein kaise…

Kahin raushan hai zarra zarra,
Kahin deepak tale andhera hai…
Kahin sawan hai har ek lamha,
Kahin greeshm mein aakal pade…
Har pal se pyar karein kaise,
Is dil pe vaar karein kaise…

Kahin aashaon ke khwaab sajein,
Kahin ruswayi mein shaam dhale…
Kahin nazron se zaahir sab kuch,
Kahin shabdon ke mushkil baan chalein…
Us pal se pyar karein kaise,
Is dil pe vaar karein kaise…

Sach lagta hai ek pal sab kuch,
Pal bhar mein sab fareb lage…
Yeh hai paribhasha jeevan ki,
Is se inkar karein kaise…
Har pal se pyar karein kaise,
Is dil pe vaar karein kaise…"

Confusion!!!

2006-12-23T00:12:00.000-08:00

I do get shivers at times, but then the experience is short-lived. My conscience mostly stays quiet- It does not argue with me. I have trained it that way because I learned life through bitter experiences. Time and again, when I have tried to favor my sensitive side, I have felt miserable. There is an immense dissatisfaction, however, growing within myself. At times, it emerges out in the form of emotional distress or short-tempered behavior but on most other occasions, it shows itself as depression.
People often ask me why is it that I get mood swings so often and frankly speaking I do not have an answer to this genuine query of theirs. Of late, I have learned to grow in my own world- a world which does not offer me the equivocated version of life or people. I sure do understand that at times tough decisions need to be made. What I do not understand, however, is how I could accommodate the compunction accompanying it.
Does distancing myself from loved ones lower the chances of my getting hurt? In other words, is it wrong to nurture expectations? But if that seems to be the probable solution to all the problems, are we humans still or have we morphed ourselves into something else?
At 22, I do not know why I get these thoughts. I do not even wish to challenge the erudition of others who might hold a different opinion. But most certainly, I am recalcitrant about the way I feel about life for I believe I am an independent thinker.
Somehow, life seems to lack verisimilitude.

Loss

2006-12-23T00:11:00.000-08:00

It was a night I could never forget,
I stood gazing at those receding steps…
My heart was numb, my eyes were still,
And I wished I could hold her back…

I wished those seconds could last a bit longer,
For once I felt so helpless in my life…
The congeries of memories burning fresh in my mind,
My heart refused to believe it was all happening…

Life seemed to have lost it’s meaning,
Darkness engulfed me in its bewitching claws…
And I stood there gazing at those receding steps,
Forever wishing I could hold her back…

I screamed and shouted and swore at the heavens,
But heard nothing except my own voice echoing in the emptiness…
I cried, like I never did before,
The surge of emotions had vanquished me yet again…

No one to wipe my tears off, no one to share my grief,
Alas, I was to live, to bear the agony of losing my soul…
For once, I wished I could drag myself out of murkiness,
For once I wished she was back in my life again…

Kyun...

2006-12-05T01:21:00.000-08:00

Jo hume yaad karte nahi kabhi,
Aksar wahi yaad aate hain kyun…
Palkon pe dheeme se yeh aansu,
Aksar thehar jaate hain kyun…

Ghadi ghadi tumhe yaad karke,
Na jaane hum sharmaate hain kyun…
Tum saamne aaogey sochkar,
Har lamha ghabraate hain kyun…

Tum saath ho mere kehte ho tum,
Phir itne akele nazar aate hain kyun…
Tanhai ke aagosh mein hum aksar,
Na chahte huye doob jaate hain kyun…

Dil se poochta hun main aksar yun hi,
Woh hume itna tadpaate hain kyun…
Jab poore ho nahi sakte kabhi,
To sunehre khwab phir nazar aate hain kyun…

Kuch khas ho tum...

2006-12-02T20:42:00.000-08:00

Ek dhundli si tasveer ho tum,
Shayad meri taqdeer ho tum…
Mere pal pal ka armaan ho tum,
Khushiyan meri tamam ho tum…
Barson ki meethi pyas ho tum,
Bikhre lamhon ka ehsaas ho tum…
Chahat ki pehli saans ho tum,
Bhooli bikhri aawaz ho tum…
Tum hi ho jeene ki pehli wajah,
Jeevan ka har armaan ho tum,
Mere sath ho tum, mere paas ho tum,
Kuch khas ho tum, haan, khas ho tum…

Lonely...

2006-11-23T02:28:00.000-08:00

My lonely sighs filled the lonely night,
Lonely was the song that my heart sang…
Few silent tears rolled down my lonely eyes,
As I stood gazing into the lonely sky…

Lonely is the word, loneliness my world,
Lonely is every single thought about you…
Lonely is my life when you are missing,
And lonely is every moment without you…

Dheemi si dastak hoti hai...

2006-11-16T00:01:00.000-08:00

Jab sooni sooni raaton mein,
Phir meethi meethi yaadon se…
Koi dil ke taar hila jaaye,
Is mann mein pyar jaga jaaye…

Mere dil mein aahat hoti hai,
Dheemi si dastak hoti hai…

Phir kho jaoon teri baton mein,
Un meethi meethi yaadon mein…
Chahat ki madhur tarangon se,
Main paoon tujhko dil ke paas….
Deedar karun bas tera phir,
Dil mein khwahish yeh hoti hai…

Mere dil mein aahat hoti hai,
Dheemi si dastak hoti hai…

Silence...

2006-11-14T04:22:00.001-08:00

As I lay here in your arms,
Silently gazing at the stars…
Life seems standing still,
And I can read in your eyes…
Every word, every thought, every feeling,
Satisfaction dripping through your sighs…
Your hair dangling on your face,
Enchanting breeze giving it a chase…
And I lay here mesmerized,
Owning a possession so prized…
Silence is separated by silence,
Overwhelming, engulfing silence…

A feeling so true, so different,
Thoughts so coherent, so inherent…

I realize it’s all so complicated,
About you I never contemplated…
It all just happened so swift,
Sure causing all others a tift…
I can feel the rhythm inside,
Coz it is taking me for a ride…
All other feelings aside,
Your love so simple, so wide…
And I am living for this moment,
Remembering nothing but you…
I need you to break this silence,
Overwhelming, engulfing silence…

Bahut yaad aayengey

2006-11-11T04:29:00.001-08:00

Kabhi jeene ki tamanna na thi,
Aur na thi muskurane ki khwahish...
Ek koshish thi magar apni,
Ki zindagi se rubaru mil lein...
Kuch pal yaadon ke sameit lein yun hi,
Kabhi yeh pal hi kaam aayengey...

Inhe na bhoolengey,yeh bahut yaad aayengey

Mere yar kavi,yahi pyar, kavi

2006-11-11T04:28:00.001-08:00

Jo dil mein dard sameinta ho,
Labzon se kare bayaan wahi…
Saanson mein aanh ubhar aaye,
Mere yar kavi, wahi pyar, kavi…

Kabhi tanha tanha lagta ho,
Kaagaz pe karey bayaan wahi…
Dil ki chahatein chupaye kabhi,
Mere yar kavi, wahi pyar, kavi…

Raaton ke saaye se ghira ho jo,
Din ke ujaley ki kya khabar usey…
Khayalon mein jab katein raatein ,
Mere yar kavi, wahi pyar, kavi…

Kabhi Shabdon ke jo jaal bune,
Chupaye apni khwahishein sabhi…
Tum chahe maano ya na maano,
Mere yar kavi, wahi pyar, kavi…

Main bhi hun ek ubharta kavi,
Pyar kiya tha maine bhi kabhi…
Ek chah uski hai dabi kahin,
Mere yar kavi, yahi pyar, kavi…

Does that matter at all?

2006-11-09T03:07:00.001-08:00

Lost in the rush, crushed by the race,
I have been a part of this insane pace…
Ever since I remember,
But does that matter at all?

I have let them go-all near and dears,
My deepest anxiety, my deepest fears…
I have let go all my expectations,
But does that matter at all?

My silent cries, my hearty smile,
Which I experience every once in a while…
Are but my perception of this world,
But does that matter at all?

But then what matters and what does not,
Whom should I follow, whom should I not…
Or should I just follow my heart,
And does that matter at all?

Daughter Dearest

2006-11-06T01:30:00.000-08:00

“Mommy Mommy, I had a dream,
Someone stole my ice-cream”
“Honey, you can have one more,
At least that much I can assure”

“Now stop crying baby. Cheer Up,
You can also have a Thums-up”
“But what about my chocolate?”
“No darling, that will cause you a tooth-ache”

“Tell me dear what else you desire”
“Can I have all I need or require?
Mommy, Rimmy has got the new Barbie doll,
Can we buy it from the shopping mall?”

“Sure darling, but did you finish your homework?”
“It’s in progress, daddy is stuck in some other work”
“Okay Sweetie, now give mommy an embrace,
Finally you have got everything by God’s grace”

Still Awaiting Your Return...

2006-11-03T00:56:00.000-08:00

What has begun has got to end,
There are laws one couldn’t bend…
It could have been much better,
Had the two of us ended together…

You know it all right from the start,
I miss you from the core of my heart…
I wonder why you are still so silent,
Why are your feelings still so pliant…

I know not if you gave it a thought,
All my yearnings have come to a naught…
My deepest feelings have begun to ooze,
It’s not long since I have turned to booze…

And there you stood, silently at a distance,
Watching me still withering in pain…
And were you still brooding it over,
Thinking about your losses and gain…

Believe me, these are not allegations,
Life puts us all in difficult situations…
Your love was indeed difficult to earn,
So here I am, still awaiting your return…

And here I am, still awaiting your return………

Your Gift

2006-10-31T07:10:00.000-08:00

I hold you as my inspiration,
My writings are but your gift…
Without you pushing me into the blue,
It would not be possible-this rift…

Life seems a tiring exasperation,
My dreary eyes are but your gift…
I have learned to hold them close,
My lonely sighs, yeah, your gift…

I trust you with all my faith,
My broken heart is but your gift…
I long for those precious moments,
The scarred feelings, yeah, your gift…

Your memories blow my existence,
Along the rise, with the drift…
Every gush of air that I breathe,
Every hollow smile, yeah, your gift….

Your Dream

2006-10-31T04:03:00.000-08:00

Felt from the heart,
Read by the brain…
Don’t let your feelings,
Go down the drain…

I know you have a dream,
But wait, don’t scream…
Slowly it would gleam,
Yeah, your dream….

I understand what you crave,
But, you have to be brave…
Just keep your focus right,
It’s visible-The glowing light…

Fame, love and influence,
Demand a lot of patience…
Needs a lot of will power,
Only then will success shower…

But success, my dear,
Has its own repercussion…
Time & again, I swear,
Pride leads to cessation…

I believe you are smart,
That you understand your part…
Remember? It was your heart,
Right from the start…

So chase your dreams,
Make them a reality…
Let soar your feelings,
Make them a finality…

AIDS-Jitna dur raho, utna accha!!!

2006-10-31T00:55:00.001-08:00

1)When there’s grief and sorrow,
Moments of life medicines borrow…
When life is a dull landscape,
The clutches of death we escape…
It’s a state I don’t want to be in,
It’s a state I don’t want you to be in…
Play Safe, Stay Safe-Use Protection

2)Precaution Avoids All Worry
Don’t do things in a hurry…
Knowledge is a wonderful bliss
Don’t allow AIDS to kiss…
Stay Aware of syringe infection,
Evade AIDS through blood transfusion…
Avoid Multi-partner fun,
Don’t play with a loaded gun…

3)Fight AIDS with patience
Together lets make a difference

4)Be intelligent … be wise,
In prevention the trick lies…
Do not fall into AIDS trap,
Do maintain sufficient gap…
Use protection while having fun,
Arrest AIDS while on the run…

5)He is a notorious culprit,
He coaxes you for the gambit,
He makes friends all around,
Giving them the deepest wound…
Please, guys, get serious…
He is the AIDS virus…

Wah bhai wah

2006-10-26T05:13:00.000-07:00

I had a sister who loved me a lot. Now i do not. I wrote this one for her.

Didu meri badi sayani,
Peeti hai only mineral pani...
Karti hai woh daily yoga,
Hoohaahooha, dar gaya Goga...
Wah bhai wah..wah bhai wah,
Hai yaaron mera khuda gawah...

Up-prabandhak office mein woh,
Ghar mein hai marzi ki maalik...
Office mein program banaye,
Ghar mein TV dekhe bore ho jaaye…
Wah bhai wah...wah bhai wah
Hai yaaron mera khuda gawah...

Pyari didu gussa na kar,
Thoda hansi-mazaq humse bhi to kar…
Humko bhi teri yaad sataye,
Hum apne hain, nahi paraye…
Haan bhai haan...haan bhai haan
Hai yaaron mera khuda gawah...

Missed call ko beet gaye barso,
SMS bhi kabhi kabhi aaye…
Jo tumjhko meri yaad sataye,
Jaldi se mera number ghumayein…
Haan bhai haan...haan bhai haan
Hai yaaron mera khuda gawah...

Acchi didu, tension na le,
Saari chinta mujhko de de…
Bhaiyya tera bada sayana,
Nahi chalega koi bahana…
Wah bhai wah...wah bhai wah
Hai yaaron mera khuda gawah...

Is this the place we earnestly belong?

2006-10-25T02:12:00.001-07:00

Fate dominates each of our lives,
We feel so helplessly out of way…
We try hard to hide our feelings,
As always, these eyes give us away…

There is so much more to say,
The perfect moments yet so few…
Life doesn’t give us the chances
To feel a pleasant morning’s dew…

Those thoughts which we hold,
Sometimes they make us blind…
Those memories which we long,
Never seem to wear off the mind…

The nights seem extremely cold,
The days seem endlessly long….
Our minds are so restlessly old,
Is this the place we earnestly belong?

Your love drives me through

2006-10-20T02:13:00.000-07:00

My love, my love…

When life is rough,
When going gets tough,
When I am deprived,
Of all that I deserve…
Your love pushes me through

My love, my love…

When atrocities are all around,
When feelings are tossed around,
Where looks are mean,
And where words are scarce…
Your love guides me through

My love, my love…

You are my strength…
My source of inspiration…
You are the driving force,
Behind my life…
Your love drives me through

Kyun aisa mujhko lagta hai

2006-10-17T04:57:00.001-07:00

Saanson ki aahat hoti hai
Dil mein ghabrahat hoti hai,
Kuch bechaini si lagti hai,
Kuch tanhai satati hai,

Kyun aisa mujhko lagta hai…
Kyun aisa mujhko lagta hai?

Jo baatein nahi kahi ab tak,
Sab kehne ko jee karta hai,
Ek dard purana lagta hai,
Par sehne ko jee karta hai

Kyun aisa mujhko lagta hai…
Kyun aisa mujhko lagta hai?

Kabhi anjaani raahon mein bhi,
Kuch apnapan sa lagta hai,
Kabhi rangon ke hone pe bhi,
Kuch rookhapan sa lagta hai,

Kyun aisa mujhko lagta hai…
Kyun aisa mujhko lagta hai?

Kabhi sagar ki lehron ke sang,
Beh jaane ko jee karta hai,
Kabhi panchi sang hawaon mein,
Ud jaane ko jee karta hai

Kyun aisa mujhko lagta hai…
Kyun aisa mujhko lagta hai?

Har shaam suhani lagti hai,
Har raat deewani lagti hai…

Ab aisa mujhko lagta hai…
Haan, aisa mujhko lagta hai

Aur dil mein hulchal hoti hai

2006-10-17T00:12:00.001-07:00

Yeh chanchal hawa sayani si,
Jab dil ko mere chooti hai,
Jaise bijli ek kadakti hai,
Aur dil mein hulchal hoti hai…

Jab mausam rang dikhata hai,
Jab rimjhim baarish hoti hai,
Tab nadiyan kal kal behti hain,
Aur dil mein hulchal hoti hai…

Saawan ki bheegi yaadein hain,
Mit nahi sakti aise yun hi,
Kabhi tanhai mein phir pyare,
Yeh yaadein taaza hoti hain…
Tab dil mein hulchal hoti hai…
Tab dil mein hulchal hoti hai...

It rained

2006-10-16T03:47:00.000-07:00

As I was walking a lane
It began to rain
I looked up with disdain
Oh God, What a pain

Clouds were swarming
Without any warning
Finally, I heard the thunder
Oh My, What a blunder

It had to be some other day
Some other time, some other place
It is a huge mistake
Can’t we have a retake?

But life is always like that
Surprising you every now and then
Before you understand, it’s all done
You really don’t know, how and when

Yeah, it all happened

2006-10-16T03:45:00.000-07:00

It was a Sunday evening and there I stood at a bus stop waiting for my bus. As I looked at the passersby and of course the heavy traffic, I realized I was feeling a bit depressed. So was I, but what was new about that. I mean, after all, life is all about ups and downs. That the ‘downs’ greet me rather frequently is my own luck. I looked around. It had been nearly 15 days since I had stepped out of my ‘bhoot-bangla’ except when leaving for office. People whom I call say, “Saurabh, It could only be you- working late and not enjoying life even a bit.” Others say,” It’s ok dear as long as you feel good”. I listen and then I think. Yes, I think but I do not say anything. I know if I speak everything that I feel, people would feel I am paranoiac. I have experienced this many times in the past. I do not wish to experience it again. Needless to say, I am amazed at the way people in everyday life pose so easily to be someone they are not.
“Excuse me, Can you tell me which bus would go to Shivaji Nagar?”
I turned in the direction the voice came from. There stood a woman in white top and faded jeans. She had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen.
“Hello!!! Do you know?” It was more of a protest than a request.
“Yeah…Yeah I do. Take 367.”
Oh God. What a fool I must have appeared in front of her.
“Hey, It doesn’t appear…”
“What doesn’t appear? What do you mean?”
“I was only asking if you were new here. No offence meant. May be I should not have.”
“No no. It is absolutely fine. I am Neha Sharma. We have just moved over here from Jaipur.”
“You are from Jaipur??? Greatttt. I am also from the same place.”
“Ohhhhh I see. And which place are you exactly from?”
“I am from….” As I was about to mention I was from Kotputli, I saw a 361 approaching the bus stand. More will come soon. I can leave this one, I thought.
“Saurabh, You said something?”
“Kamal hai yar. How did you know my name?” As I said that another 361 passed by.
“It’s written on your I-card which is hanging by the strap.”
“Oh yeah…yeah. I forgot to remove it. Silly me.” I do not know what happens to me whenever I stand with a female. I behave like a rather confused lad. Was I looking like a geek?
“Hey I have to go. Here comes a 367.” She said and boarded the bus. I stood there gawking.
Time to return to the real world, I thought. Lots to do. Lots to think. Lots to worry about.
I glanced around. To my surprise, I found a temple nearby. I walked up to it, closed my eyes for a while and made a wish. I wished something I would not want to share, but I assure you it hadn’t got anything to do with her.

Who Says I Donot Have Good Sense Of Humor

2006-10-12T03:58:00.000-07:00

A good friend of mine had presented me a clock. I am pretty sure most of you would have seen the wall clock where a cuckoo springs out of the wooden casing every hour and some music is played. It was almost similar, with a minor modification. No cuckoo springs out and instead of soothing music, a typical “HUHAHAHAHAHAHA” plays. Believe me, it is not a funny laugh. It scares the hell out of me. Those who have watch serials like ‘Jai Ganga Maiyya’ or better still, ‘Alif Laila’ would understand my plight. Whenever I hear the roaring noise, I get out of my bed without any delay. Believe me, I am a particularly quiet guy and I don’t have the temerity to go and fight a giant demon. In fact, even a street dog scares the hell out of me.

Speaking of brave people, I have one right here in my office. The guy is so brave that whenever my Motorola MTX960 catches some signal due to frequency match and makes the disturbing noise, he starts off with these typical words, “Arrey apna walkie talkie sambhal .Kuch pata hi nahi chalta kya ho raha hai. Aisa lagta hai koi horror movie ke chote chote clips chal rahe hon” and frantically hands over the device to me. I do not blame him. Afterall, he is a civil engineer working in HPCL...

On a Thursday

2006-10-12T00:48:00.000-07:00

“Wake up you idiot. Don’t you wish to go to office today? It is already 8’o clock.”

“ !@#% Abbey sone de na. Aaj mera boss office nahi aa raha hai aur kal ke kaam se meri badan ki poori 206 haddiyan dard kar rahi hai (Let me sleep a little longer. Today my boss is not coming to the office. Yesterday I worked my ass off, while he enjoyed in the ac) Rarely do I get this lucky.”

“Ting Tong.”
“TING TONG.TING TONG”

“Abbey kaun hai saala.Chain se sone bhi nahi dete”

“ Newspaperwala hoon babuji. Your newspaper bill”

With great efforts, I got up from my bed and opened the door.” Thanks”, I said and closed the door. I was in no mood to pay him at that time-he had spoiled my loveliest dream ever. I was having a cosy time with Priyanka .Oh la la. Lekin …kintu… parantu…Saala mere sath hi kyun hota hai hamesha. (Damn!! Why does it always happen with me?)

As I glanced back at the Alarm Clock, I realized it was 9’o clock.

“ I am late for office”, I uttered.

Koi fariyad tere dil mein dabi ho jaise…tune aankhon se koi baat kahi ho jaise…………went on my cell phone. I picked it up and for a while looked suspiciously at the number. Did my boss cancel his Vizag trip? Was I going to be given a lecture on time management again?? With trembling hands, I picked up the call and said ,”Is route ki sabhi linein vyast hain. Kripya kuch der baad dial karein. Dhanyawad. All lines on this route are engaged. Please call after some time .Thankyou” and I pressed the cancel button.

Again came the call. Again I picked up. ”Is route ki sabhi linein vyast ……..”

“ Abbey saaley, main Anup bol raha hun…office se. I forgot to get the keys of our room. And don’t worry, boss has not come. When would you come to office?”

“oh oh…thank god…main to socha….I will arrive in half an hour. Manage till then.”

“ok ”

With a sense of urgency, I opened the new colgate I had managed to buy yesterday night and admired the beautiful shape of the tube. I squeezed hard and out came the gel. As I started brushing my teeth, enjoying the process, of course…I recalled the scene from the movie “Aap ki Khatir” ( again a priyanka starrer ) where Priyanka charming brushed her teeth for almost 10 minutes. Awww…. How I wished somebody paid me for brushing my teeth, supplying me with a brand new toothbrush and shooting me at the same time. Damn, these actors.

Sorry for interruption, but I want to admit something. I am a Priyanka freak. Everytime I think of her, a cold sweat runs through my entire body and I utter…WOW She is gorgeous.

I was brooding over the thought of taking a bath. Should I or should I not?

No use taking a bath. In the refinery, I have to get dirty anyway. Afterall, that is what we are being paid for!!!

Apun ki bhi kya kismet hai beedu……

Me & My Work

2006-10-10T02:52:00.000-07:00

A never-ending desire-that is what I call it,
Sometimes it appears true, other times, false,
“You just need some rest, some relaxation”,
I agree, but then carry on after a pause.

Life has always been like this, oh please,
With the monotonous schedule killing me,
I long for a single pleasant breeze,
Without it, did I ever feel at ease?

Are you there with me, I used to ask,
“Who?? me? That is a tough task!!!
You don’t care, you don’t love”,
I begged to differ for I did care & I did love!!!

Never did I feel free as a sparrow,
For I always thought about tomorrow,
I worked and worked and worked and worked,
For whom? To me, it never occurred.

It is difficult to live all by yourself,
You need someone to hold you,
I tried to find one, but in vain,
Am I a workaholic, who lost his sane?

But my work is all that matters now,
It just happened so, don’t know when & how.

Your Love Surrounds Me

2006-10-10T02:47:00.001-07:00

With every minute passing by,
I feel more mature…
My heart feels lighter,
And my feelings so pure…

I miss old memories,
They remind me of you…
I love old diaries,
I wrote them for you…

I live my dreams,
I think of you…
I imagine how it would feel,
To be with you…

Every moment I feel,
Your presence around me…
Believe me or not,
Your love surrounds me…

Desire

2006-10-10T02:46:00.000-07:00

Once i live...
Once i die...
Sometimes i smile...
at other times i cry...
I love and hate...
I curse my fate...
With a patience insurmountable,
I wait...and I wait...

I am the beautiful...
and the ugly...
I make life dull...
and yet so lovely...
Satisfaction lies,
Beyond my reach...
If you dont learn,
I donot teach...

I inspire…
For I am the desire

Framed

2006-09-02T04:18:00.000-07:00

It is 5 a.m.My alter ego has not returned from his date.Some days ago, he had introduced me to her..err....Stephanie-was that her name? Yes,i think so.She was wearing a grey colored checked long skirt and a yellow colored top.She had given me a nice,gentle smile and i had reciprocated.Anuj was having a blast with her, as he had told me.He often used to talk about her to me-her likes,dislikes,her family...and their relationship.Even though i have never had a relationship(why i didnt have one is a long story),i used to give him suggestions-a whole lot of them-and strangely enough,they used to work.I used to say to myself in exultation,"Saurabh,you are a genius" and it gave me something to cheer about.
I was happy for Anuj.But today, i am feeling a lot worried.He has been behaving a little weird since last Monday.He doesnt seem to notice things...doesnt adhere to even his daily habits which he unfailingly used to follow.I thought he was stressed up because of his job-his was a position requiring immense concentration and efforts,but now i am somehow forced to think otherwise.Two days ago, i saw him sitting on an empty seat in the park situated against our flat.That would have been okay,had it been anytime before mid-night,but it was 3'o clock and it was raining cats and dogs.I took out my raincoat and went nearer out of curiosity.He was murmering something.Was i imagining things? or may be dreaming..NO,i was wide awake..Then..Was he so stressed that he showed symptoms of a dual-personality? This struck my mind the first thing after i hurried back to my bed.May be it is because i watch a lot of horror movies and have seen a lot of documentaries on paranormal behavior.But i was scared and needless to say,anyone would be if he had to share a room with such a guy-afterall we all prefer to avoid any problematic situation rather than face it.

Extremism

2006-08-21T03:11:00.000-07:00

I am not a writer...neither am i trying my hand at writing ; i developed this habit after i realised there are few like me, who feel and accept...i am writing so that i can unite with my type of people,who can share what they feel-who are not normal in that they are not subdued by social boundations.I no longer fear-i am ready to stand out-willing to face all accusations & criticism.To my kind,they say "You are insane".
I would rather start using 'we' instead of 'i' because after coming thus far,i am quite sure,only 'my kind' would be interested to read on.We have surely reached a level of maturity that we do understand what we want; or have we? "You are an emotional freak"- someone very close to me,had uttered in desperation.We all must have faced such remarks in our lives and we broke down.
I still remember the cold nights,when thoughts were juggling inside of me and i was helplessly gazing into the empty space-searching for something or maybe someone-to hold on.All i could hold on to was my solitude.It clung to me like a newborn clings to his/her mother...and after a futile struggle,i embraced it as well because i realised i had nobody but 'her' by my side.I had long conversations with her...and i shared my grief-poured it all in front of her and she listened...listened with a patience that could not match greatest imaginable depths of forbearance.Such was the care i recieved and such was the love i experienced!!!